Tuesday, October 9, 2018

Open Your Eyes and Truly See

     Sometimes if we are in a bad situation where we feel trapped we close our eyes as a defensive move.  We allow things to happen we shouldn't and may even pretend they aren't there.  As we go through our journey of life, we have different messages and things we are ready to see at different times. When we are ready to see things for what they really are, this is when acceptance, change, and growth occurs.  I believe this is especially true with domestic violence victims. 
     When I was married, there were many things I could not see at first because I wasn't ready to accept what had become of my life.  I had thought being married and having a caring husband would put my abusive childhood behind me and allow me to be happy.  Unfortunately, what my husband cared about was himself, and I missed all the signs because I wanted to believe my life had to have something better in store.   My husband would swear we had not had conversations I distinctly remembered having.  He would say things like "this isn't so bad" or "it can't be helped" or even "this is how it's supposed to be". Yes it was bad.  Yes it could be helped.  No it wasn't how it was supposed to be.  When you are and adult and have to move back in with your parents for a week until the next payday and take your husband and cats with you because through his addiction and addictive behaviors he had spent the money which should have been spent on heating oil, it is bad. He would keep me in a state of flip flopping.  According to him, most days I was making mountains out of molehills. Some days I was taking things too lightly.  Most of the time, I was not doing something or almost everything right or good enough for him.   He frequently belittled me, disrespected me, and made me think I was the one with problems.  My main problem was I did not have enough respect and love for myself to stop the abuse for more than a decade. 
      Thankfully, eventually through different situations, I was finally able to open my eyes and see what had really been going on.  I was able to see I wasn't the one with the majority of the problems.  Don't get me wrong, I was 21 when we were married and unsure of what a healthy relationship was, so I'm sure there were things I did wrong, but nowhere as many as he swore I did.  He contested the issue was with me because I wanted too much and wanted things to be perfect.  A home where the mortgage/rent is paid,  there is consistent heat in the winter, food in the fridge, and the ability to buy clothes when needed is not asking a lot, especially when we were both working full time. 
      After I left him, my eyes continued to be open even more. I was able to see where the pieces of the puzzle fit together, instead of looking at the picture on the puzzle box.and not know how to make sense of it.  A lot of the red flags I was too blind to see in the moment before and during the first few years of my marriage were blaring right in front of me. More importantly, I started to love and respect myself, realizing I did not deserve to be in abusive relationship. 
      I had a temporary speed bump/ trade off of sorts which lead to my second marriage, which ended after not quite 4 years as he was an abusive narcissist.  His abuse was more covert and more emotional and financial abuse.  I was aware the marriage would not be perfect, but I was hoping for a better situation.  Because of my circumstances at that time, I didn't want to see it how bad it could/would be. I hoped if I entered the marriage with good intentions, all would be well, which it wasn't.   
     As I worked with a therapist and read a lot of self help books after both marriages, I realized how valuable I was and realized that I was the only person who could make me happy. I also realized that God loved me and my life did have better things in store for me in the future, I just had to be patient, work on myself, and wait for Divine timing to align everything.  That timing is at work and continues to be at work.  As I continue to love and respect myself, my eyes are more open and I have good friends and a good life with my children.  I am able to work full time at my life purpose of helping others and it is an awesome feeling to be able to help people every day.  I don't allow those who don't know how to respect me or others take my time or be in my inner circle.  I try to keep my eyes fully open, so I may have the blessings waiting for me. 
     Are your eyes fully open? Do you truly love and respect yourself?  If not, are you ready to open your eyes?  Are you ready to start loving yourself? If you need help with changing your life for the better, contact me to set up an appointment for intuitive life coaching!

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